two weeks later... there's so much tension

empty-headed

i'm covered in weak spots

like chicken pox

yellow bellied and weak kneed

i stutter to get this out

i want to meet you here

everyday

come alive

what does that mean though?

i can't even look at these words i'm writing

do i believe what i'm saying anymore?

i don't know

i don't want to know

i need to know so badly

words can't describe the joy trapped in my heart

in my head

there's so much tension

so much back and forth

everything's alright

i'm dead inside

one foot in heaven

one in hell

broken, bleeding, deaf, and dumb

i can't put an ending on anything

i can't start anything to end

so many questions i know the answers to

so many answers i've heard before, again and again

clean, whole, content, sane

impotent artist

creative created creator

cuss

pray

smoke 

breathe

cry

smile

is this for you to hear?

or should i keep it all in?

what good could come of any of this?

kiss the wound

there is a balm in gilead to heal the sin-sick soul!

amen

amen

amen

go 

go

go

go

go away

come back

stay here with me tonight

i'll see you in the morning

nothing's sacred anymore

nothing is as beautiful as it should be

nothing is complete

here

no not here

up there yes

here 

not yet

soon?

i wish

soon i wish

soon i hope

i hope

hope

all i have is hope 

sometimes

time

no time

all the time in the world

spout off

unload

let loose

let it all hang out

come clean

the tension is here

the tension is here

how many lies have i given ground over to?

how much ground is left to give?

why can't what i want to come out come out?

now i'm falling 

no end in sight

i can't move into the next room

i'm pushing with all my might

i can't get past

oh LORD help me

give me a fellowship to walk with

identify what it is i'm missing

help me see

help me get through this bad dream

i want to get through this bad dream

i want to wake up

wake up

-k

all those yesterdays...

well august has come and gone.

duh.

so what now?

well...

life goes on i guess.

i've decided to do the thing i love with the people i love for the One i love.

life goes on indeed.

goodbye august and all those yesterdays.

i've said it once...

've said it once and i'll say it again:

i have good friends.

faithful, loving, genuine friends.

thanks to all my friends.

-k

i have good friends... need more time to think.

i have good friends 

they help me think

they help me believe

they help me see time for what it is

thank you friends

you help me see what is the most important without even saying it

i love my friends

good night

-k

tired eyes and tough decisions...

the break nears its end.

my eyes are tired and have seen some tough thinking.

i hope the right decisions are made.

blank

i have nothing to say.

-k

one hell of a weekend

so this morning i met my old friend for coffee.

we chatted things up quite a bit then bam! bombs were dropping out of the sky, people were running for cover, babies were screaming, sirens were going off, buildings collapsing all around, cars crashing, there was smoke, distant gunfire gaining in intensity and closeness... the whole world was ending.

i didn't didn't flinch.

i didn't raise an eyebrow... nor blink... nor even shift in my seat.

i just sat there and took it all in.

very quickly the conversation got into deep theology, philosophy, and deciphering the issues entangled within messages and messages entangled within issues and so on.

a lot was running through my mind at this point.

-wow.

-it's no big deal; it's just life.

-scripture.

-the desire to reach across the table slap my friend across the face.

-hey, lady across the room- please get control of your noisy kids, it's early on a sunday morning and i haven't been to church yet so i'm not as full of grace as i should be (actually i was overflowing with grace this morning but her kids were gonna use it all up and the day had just begun. also worthy of note: never made it to church -- more on that later).

-the desire to reach across the table and hold my friend's hand, stair into my friends eyes and say "cool."

-thanks for including me in this.

-thanks for being vulnerable.

-i'm going to respect you now in our conversation by engaging deeply with well-meaning questioning and thought provoking comments and ideas.

-grace is an amazing thing.

-don't say something stupid.

-God loves you so much.

and other things that were flying by faster than my ADD mind could cling to.

so we talked and discussed and argued and defended and understood and rebutted and extended grace and came to a general understanding that we have our beliefs, what we think is right, what we think is wrong, questions that we can answer, questions that we can't, and that that was definitely stacie orrico sitting a table away totally pretending to write a new song in her notebook while totally listening to our conversation, and other things. (hey stacie, thanks for reading my blog. call me sometime. if you don't have my number (which would be really weird) ask your dad. he totally knows who i am. p.s. hope the new song about that super-hot-and-super-wise mystery boy in the coffee shop that you're totally in love with hits #1 on the charts. i can hear it now: "oh my that super-hot-and-super-wise mystery boy/such a mystery/ who is that super-hot, super-hot (backing vocal echo), and super-wise, super-wise, mystery boy?/ he was so hot and so wise/ i am so in love/ oh baby!" pure gold baby, pure gold. seriously, call me.)

as we wrestled through definitions and core issues and how language is at best faulty when trying to communicate (think about it.

you know how you want to say something but you can't quite think of the right word to describe it?).

that and not knowing how to read can really get in the way of having a decent conversation.

but i digress...

almost four hours later i realized that i had to get to work and my friend had to go meet with other friends and consume mid-day sustenance.

i've been thinking about our conversation all day.

while it was filled with controversy wrapped around a very delicate and personal issue with a slice of lime, words not said, and with a side of stacie orrico (nice, way to get that in there one more time;-) (thanks ;-) ;-), i felt alright walking away and heading off to work because i know my friend and i are going to worship the LORD ALMIGHTY when all is said and done. regardless of our stances on the issues at hand.

while we may have disagreed here and there.

whether or not what i said today had any impact on my friend's heart to the affect that my friend changes stance, we will not be divided over or because of issues such as the one discussed.

Jesus was all about loving regardless of position, color, or well-being.

i love my friend.

my friend loves me.

we love Jesus.

Jesus loves us.

so it's all good baby.

-k

"i wanna go home!"

you know that feeling when you just want whatever it is you're doing or going through to end, to be done?

i hate that feeling.

that means that something in life is at the moment swallowing-whole our perspective on things.

sometimes we are able to shrug our shoulders and move on.

other times we fall on our backs kicking and screaming and carrying on wanting nothing but our way and we're not gonna stop kicking and screaming and carrying on until we get it.

our way.

what is our way?

is it what we want?

we think we know best?

"you're an idot... no, you're an idot... no, i'm pretty sure you're an idiot... ok, yeah, well, it takes one to no one {sticks out tongue} yeah, well, you're a bigger one... no, you're a bigger one..."

petty.

or, maybe we find it easier to mock, degrade, and deface the things that could very well have a chance at being right but don't benefit us directly (better said, now) or could be related to a previous negative experience or could break tradition or fill in the blank with why you disagree with something. 

and though, we may not be able to supply our own replacement for that stance or what have you, we can point out ten or more things why that one good thing isn't.

funny.

"i'm pretty sure i'm right and you're wrong and there's nothing either of us can do to change it. sucks to your ass-mar!"

yes i am well read.

actually, i don't think i ever finished that book (or any other for that many of the hundreds i've started).

i think i have problems with resolutions...*

tomorrow i'm going to have coffee with another old friend.

can't wait.

*don't get me wrong. i can't wait for Jesus to come back and clean this place up for GOD to move into but is that an ending? yes and no. yes in the sense that everything we know will be rebuilt, improved upon, made complete or be completely annihilated, removed, destroyed -- no in the sense that it's really the last step before the the top of the stairs that humanity has been climbing since there ever was a humanity. insert verse about us worshiping GOD forever and ever and ever and ever...

fresh sliced apples, disappointment, and social hierarchy...

so last night i couldn't sleep until i got some stuff written down.

five full pages later i was able crash.

it felt so good to be completely honest with myself.

best sleep i've had in quite a while.

tonight i plan to do the same.

i hope things are alright in your world.

things are alright in mine.

still not sure what the future holds for me but thats ok.

i should probably spend some more time wearing out the knees in my new jeans.

until next time friends.

good night,

-k

all i can say is wow and it's about freakin' time!

yeah so i took a day off .

big whoop you wanna fight about it?

i felt i had spent enough time on the computer.

mixing and recording and recording and mixing for hours on end can make your eyes hurt and your butt flat.

so i got up and went to bed instead of blogging.

i am happy to report that i am about a 3/11ths of the way done with my first e.p. or demo as it were, appropriately named "time."

clever no?

hopefully i'll get closer and closer to getting this little turd done.

time will tell.

sorry.

that was lame.

and now for something completely different.

normally i don't promote the show but this is too dang awesome.

true to the show and true to the movie it mocks:

"i got blisters on me fingers!"

finally laid down some new tracks today

lots o' guitars, reverb, delay, tremolo picking, and sex for your ears

can't wait to get this sucka done

all that's left is tracking bass and vocals and then editing like mad

time for a glass of wine and some thoughts

going home early, new school clothes (minus the school), and red pens writing...

'fraid the flu is coming on.

but my new clothes came in the mail today and they fit perfectly.

i'm a whole size slimmer in the waist.

and i thought it was that my jeans were just getting stretched out.

maybe it was a bit of both, them stretching, me shrinking.

boo yeah.

so after a few brief conversations and thoughts thereafter, my world has been just about turned upside-down.

the way i was thinking i would head now seems less the way to go.

looks like i'm back to square one.

or am i?

did i ever really sit down and think about it?

did i ever spend time asking questions and waiting for answers?

or did i answer them myself?

it's amazing how quickly things change.

the wind and weather, waist sizes, my mind...

oy...

ballistics gel, hair gel, & jello

i wrote a bit this morning before heading out.

here's a snip-it:

"...mad and i didn't..."

whew.

man that's good stuff.

off to bed now.

no blog tonight other than to say that there is no blog tonight...

it's way late and i have to get up too soon.

going to church tomorrow... er... later today...

should be interesting...

my dogs are cooler than your dogs and other profound thinking...

these roots grow deeper and deeper

they reach down, almost swimming, toward the center

this tree won't be torn down

it won't be overturned

refill, refresh, renew, refocus, rebirth, replace, recharge, rest, relax

these veins filled with blood

carry love to my finger tips

my heart filled with love serve up a healthy dose

and i am payed back all that i have spent

all that i have given up

but not so i can sit back

'though there is a time for that

i am re-payed so that i can continue on

pumping heart

blood flowing

fingertips sharing the love

i am not its source

merely a vessel

carrying a message of love

for all to hear

for all to take part in

i play a small part in a much, much bigger story

and i owe it all to YOU.

thank you, GOD, for giving me a part to play

i love playing with YOU, for YOU, and because of YOU.

grant me rest.

grant me peace.

refresh me.

continue me.

but only for YOUR sake.

for YOUR renown.

i am YOURs.

amen.

all good things come to an end but not all good things have come yet...

the new dave and tim album is tasty.

totally takes me back.

super impressed.

sing it dave.

dave & tim, sushi, and more old friends... what a week it's been

ahhhh.

what a wonderful, wonderful day it has been.

i love my dogs.

watching them play tug-o-war with an old, beat up, chew toy brings with it great joy and pleasure.

hearing them playfully snap at each other and snort and bark is so fun.

dancing around my legs causing me to pause so as to not trip over or kick one of them shows me how much love and grace there should be in the world.

thanks for the reminder God.

"YOU fill our hearts with more than we can hold inside..."

yes indeed.

did you see the sun setting tonight?

it was a brilliant painting of a glorious sun fighting the clouds, setting them on fire as she fell from the battlefield.

a sky turned against her, the mountains welcomed her, swallowed her whole, again.

i am her historian.

i tell you that it was something out of that perfect dream, the kind you dare not wake from.

a glorious battle it was.

will the war rage on tomorrow evening?

we shall see.

we shall see.

-the historian

old friends again... jeremy, red & seattle's best blend

new jeremy enigk is out on itunes.

go get it.

that is all.

-k

pipes, guns, & empty beer bottles...

talked to some old friends today.

got some thoughts out.

got a few thoughts in.

i like friends.

they sharpen what would otherwise be dull, dark, lame.

fires burn out.

time flies faster everyday.

and then i find YOU, again.

i see YOU in everything.

and i feel like everything is in its right place.

i ought to sleep well tonight.

greenish bananas, netflix, and the police

today is a monumental day.

today was the first sunday i purposefully did not attend church in the last eight or so years (as far as i can remember).

as a bonus, today was the first day i missed a seahawks game due to working at costco (on my last break i walked in to see the last play before half time... awesome).

what a beautiful day.

and i get to cap off this beautiful day with my dogs coming to stay with me for a week.

awesome.

i hope your day was awesome as well.

i'm currently listening to donald miller read his book blue like jazz.

fascinating.

that is all.

-k

smashing pumpkins and applesauce.

so maybe that story about my allergies flaring up because of perfume was actually the remnant of the virus or something i battled the week before because today was worse and now i have the most amazing headache/congestion i've ever felt.

pretty sure i'm calling in sick tomorrow.

i wanna cut my head open and pull all the goo out.

this is ridiculous.

i am very frustrated.

kids, whenever you get sick, keep taking the drugs/vitamins/chicken noodle soup as directed until you run out.

just because you feel better doesn't mean you've won the war raging in your body.

and wash your hands.

always wash your hands.

don't stay up late on purpose or for no reason.

your body needs rest.

let's see... 

vitamin c, check. 

echinacea, check. 

nyquil, check. 

afrin, check. 

entire bottle of wine, check.

just kidding.

just kidding.

good night friends

radiohead, clean underwear, and a new pedal...

so i've always been a huge fan of vitamin water.

a little while ago we got the kirkland signature version in at costco and i must say it is quite pleasant AND, believe it or not, it's actually healthier than vitamin water.

zero carbs, zero sugar and higher vitamin percentages per serving.

now the flavors aren't quite the same, that is to say that they come in altogether different flavors.

while different they are indeed tasty.

now i still really like vitamin water but at about half the price you just can't go wrong.

give it a try.

i laid down some more tracks before i went to work today.

dare i say i've gotten myself into a writing groove.

too bad i work all day tomorrow.

hopefully that wont throw things off too badly.

so i've just about gotten over my cold now.

just a little residual goo left up in the noggin.

today though, the lady i was working with was wearing a very strong perfume and of course, quite a lot of it.

while it smelled lovely i noticed after a second whiff that my nasal cavities started freakin' out.

swelling up and producing massive amounts of goo, i found yet another thing i'm allergic to.

i felt too bad about it to tell her and ask to work with someone else so i stuck out the six hour shift.

sniffling the whole time, taking little breaks here and there to go blow.

the whole ordeal really through off my super-duper costco employee superpowers.

yes, we have those.

well, some of us.

what i mean to say is that i wasn't working as hard/efficiently as i normally would.

anyways, during my break i went and grabbed some claritin.

now that i'm home it's starting to kick in.

damn.

i'm gonna look into seeing an allergy specialist.

if you know of a good one, be a pal, and drop me a line.

thanks sugar.

kisses,

-k

p.s.

so this was probably my worst blog so far.

sorry about that.

if you agree, please, leave a comment.

if you disagree, please, leave a comment.

if you have totally unrelated thoughts, please, leave a comment.

if you have read anything on this page and had thoughts afterward, please, leave a comment.

or don't.

be that way.

have some red wine, upload a new picture and then it's back to work tomorrow for you mister...

i'm sleepy so i'll make this short.

chances are good that i won't edit this thing at all.

that's what you get with me: quick and cheap and to a point. 

which point that is is another blog in and of itself.

ok, here we go.

i think most people get to a place, at least twice, in life where they get absolutely fed up.

maybe more often if there is a reoccurring situation, object, or television host gets under the skin. 

like rain or no rain, or oxygen, or nancy grace.

seriously, she ruins days like no one else with all her ignorant ranting and airheaded raving.

well her and maybe rosie o'duckface.

yep.

did you catch it?

i just jumped on a bandwagon.

that would be the ignorant, judgmental, mud-slinging express headed for icouldcarelessville.

anyways.

today i stayed home (yet again) and cleaned pretty much the whole house.

i've had heaps of laundry (clean laundry) just sitting around at the foot of my bed for far too long now.

i'm normally pretty good at putting away once i actually do the washing and drying but over that past few weeks (don't lie, it's been months) the pile has grown.

so, after many weeks... er, months, i finally got around to putting away and, in some cases rewashing what seemed like, my entire wardrobe.

the other time i got fed up was when this one dude in elementary school kept cheating at recess.

we would play two-hand-touch and this dude would always say, "dude, that was only one hand!" after clearly being tagged with two.

one hand my ass.

one time after he was tagged down he kept running. 

when he got to me i hauled off and shoved him to the ground.

luckily a huge mud puddle broke his fall.

he got soaked in that rich brown, sticky, smelly, field mud.

good night.

i spent the whole day on my butt but...

i have almost five minutes of song recorded.

hallelujah!

now i just gotta come up some more words and a melody or two to mess around with and i'll have myself a new song.

woot!

bring on tomorrow.

hey, louie giglio, i wanna write something new today

hey friends,

louie giglio is a brilliant writer, communicator, human being.

read his books.

the air i breathe and i am not but i know I AM are simply brilliant pieces of why-we-do-what-we-do-Christian literature.

do yourself a favor and pick 'em up.

in other thoughs...

i plan to start something new here in the next few minutes.

don't know what it's about.

don't know where to start really.

all i know is that i'm blocking out the next few minutes, maybe hours, to take the creative juices out for a much needed spin.

i'll report back later with some results.

wish me luck.

sam adams, stephen colbert, thank you for smoking

GOD's ultimate loving wisdom transcends all of our bitching, moaning, bickering, judging, and damning.

also, stephen colbert is hilarious.

you should stay up tonight and watch him.

also, also, Apple announced some pretty hip stuff today.

also, also, also, i've been writing a bunch lately.

and it is all gold.

so i'm probably gonna sit on these little nuggets for a bit and wait for them to become even more valuable.

can't go wrong with gold.

it's the safest investment.

that and investing in a relationship with GOD.

can't go wrong there.

feel free to comment.

that is all  for now.

american gladiators (oh yeah phil)

work, work, work.

play, play, record.

ah, yes, recording...

a labor of love.

after a few hours of work i have 30 seconds of pleasurable audio.

after that it all goes down hill.

but that is what tomorrow is for, yeah?

yeah.

"Diamond is DISQUALIFIED!"

ha!

that is all.

k

back home tonight

feels good to be home.

interestingly my cold has subsided.

it's nice to be able to breathe through both nostrils again.

didn't go to church today.

i don't remember the last time that that happened.

felt good.

missed the community aspect tho.

once again it's late and the nyquil is kicking in.

perhaps a mid-day blog is due tomorrow.

until then...

a day of success

today...

no i didn't climb a mountain 

no i didn't swim across the sea

no i didn't fly away from you

but yes i did write a song

something totally new

fresh

something wonderfully different

felt so good

more on that another time

maybe even a posting of it somewhere

the rest of the day i rested, went for a walk, watched high-flying men do absolutely insane things with large, heavy pieces of metal spinning around them, and ate some more of that absolutely delicious homemade berry pie.

mmmm, mmmm.

now i am going to give in to the nyquil flowing through my veins.

goodnight all.

----

k

x games, throat lozenges, and homemade berry pie (with berries out of the backyard)

well i'm feeling pretty good all things considered.

i'm all doped up and ready for bed.

today was a day of lazy bum-ness. 

felt good tho.

much needed.

dare i say much deserved.

kinda sleepy now.

maybe tomorrow will bring great adventures outdoors. 

i'll let you know how it goes.

kisses.

it's amazing how plans can change

so i went out and dropped some crab pots this morning.

but once i got back i started feeling a bit ill.

now i'm laid up sucking down coldeeze, lots of fluids, more sharks, and a few pages out of a few books.

talk about a let down.

i was hoping to go traipsing around fort warden but no.

instead i'm all but disabled by a silly cold.

i guess it's a chance for my body to let down after going hard for weeks on end.

well body of mine, live it up.

let me know when you're ready to get going again.

day one

today i spent my time with louie giglio, c.s. lewis, and a bunch of crazy people talking about a bunch of sharks.

that's right it's shark week on the discovery channel.

i can't tell you how much otherwise useless information i've picked up today about sharks.

did you know that a short-fin mako shark has been clocked at speeds up to 31 mph and believed to be cable of speeds close to 70+ mph (though such numbers haven't been officially proven)?

or that oceanic white tip can sense changes in water temperature all the way down to the thousandth of a degree.

that's how they find their prey.

crazy huh?

the narrator gave the example like this:

we as humans can sense a drastic change in temperature like when sitting in a bath tub and a bunch of cold water gets dumped in but a white tip shark can sense a change equivalent to a couple ice cubes being dropped into one corner of an olympic sized pool.

God is so cool.

but before all of that i was waiting for my ferry while reading lewis present his thoughts of human laws of ethics, morals and otherwise.

lewis is one smart dude.

i, on the other hand, am probably gonna have to re-read that chapter to truly grasp what the man was laying down.

nevertheless God is so intelligent.

and before that louie giglio...

brilliant communicator.

i'm too tired right now to unload all that i've picked up from brother giglio.

yet despite my shortcomings God is still huge.

time to go change a load of laundry and go to bed.

tomorrow (actually later today now - i started this blog before midnight but now it's about 12:15) i go crabbin' with pops on the hood canal (which is actually not a canal at all but a naturally occurring saltwater fjord carved out by glaciers 15,000 years ago) and then i'm gonna go speluncking on the olympic penninsula. 

until next time friends...

off i go

off i go

in search of rest

refresh me

be with me

BE with me

here we go...

the journey begins... with a prayer.

my journey begins tomorrow.

what will tomorrow bring?

i don't know but i do look forward to time with you.

outside in your creation.

show me something.

show me how big you are.

refresh me.

release me.

release me from all the things that bind.

i want to wake up.

wake me up.

give me a glimpse.

frighten me.

strengthen me.

lift me up.

God give me a direction.

YOU.

me.

help me see that.

help me see it all.

open my eyes.

better yet.

replace them with yours.

break my heart.

break my numb heart.

i want your life.

i'm gonna climb a mountain.

if that's what it takes.

i'll fight my way to the top.

i will.

if it is YOU calling me up i will climb.

call me.

i'll answer.

i want out of the old.

i want out of the usual.

i want new.

i want YOU.

more of YOU.

less of me.

come and fill me up.

fill me with more of YOU.

more of YOU.

and less of me.

please.

so i can please YOU.

YOU know my heart.

YOU know what i'm asking.

please.

please.

carry me day

carry me day

as i take a walk into you

the unknown

i walk into the unknown

carry me day

as i think about my future

the unknown

i think my way to the unknown

carry me day

as i go on alone

the unknown

alone i go unknown

carry me day

take my hand and lead me not astray

i fear the unkown

fearfully unknown

carry me day

i will not be afraid

i will not be afraid oh no

carry me day

----

let august begin